what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Pretty much. 🤣
