Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
me logging onto twitter
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.