11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
The Birdles
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.