Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
scared to check what name she chose
My therapist after every session
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.