[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
no refunds
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?