Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
😲 WTF? 😆
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here