Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.