me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Me checking my bank balance online.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
This line from Airplane.
Rather alarming headline…
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
