me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Rich people don鈥檛 buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 馃檮
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I鈥檝e lent over the years have never come back.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Blink once if you鈥檙e ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO鈥檚.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Me: I鈥檝e always said I鈥檇 never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that鈥檚…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Meat Cute
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I鈥檓 taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving