the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
What’s a Messi?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.