I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
respect
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Go gym
