3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The asteroid..
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)