Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?