I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Catercrombie & Fish
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area