ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Rambo Rambow
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Happy weekend !