angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
😆this is so true
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.