Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
