Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what