the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
🥶🥶🐶🐶
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture