Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
😂😂
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
