The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Haha good job!!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Meow
See..?
.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same