I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*