Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Fries, not lies.
black phone good
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
This guy’s not having it 😆
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”