So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
As per my last nervous breakdown
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested