“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
next question.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
lol
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Why am I like this?
Sell your car
