Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔