One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.