therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
and now we wait
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
They got Raph!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.