Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
From my Mom
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.