since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Hell yeah 👍
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
But is it really??
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
