To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
