My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.