Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
How wrong was this guy?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
figuring out my emotional availability:
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.