what idiot called it arrogant homeowners struggling to complete an air sealing project after watching YouTube videos and not caulk suckers
Churches be like pew pew pew
God saw you do that.
do NOT joke about being single on Valentine’s Day when picking up a firearm from the store. they do not have a sense of humor
*feels butterflies
Butterflies: please stop
Who called it emotional blackmail and not a heart attack?
As a someone who sleeps nude, my opinions on pajamas are immaterial.
I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.
It’s Monday again and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.
I hate to brag but I excel at my faults.
Just remembered why I went upstairs yesterday
How do you get into the School of Rock?
You rock enroll.
When my son was little he asked me where poo came from. So I went thru this awkwardly disgusting story explaining the process.
He looked up at me confused with a quivering lip and said….. and Tigger?
Meant to tell my coworker, “Hey, how’s it going?” but it accidentally came out as, “Raise your hand during a meeting one more goddamn time and I will end you.”
Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.