Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia