Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
No one:
London landlords:
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
Bringing back this classic
