*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK
Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.