Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
◾️
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
New nose
