the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?