Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“no gods no masters” = leo
