I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Jesus steals the winter solstice
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
