What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money