It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“no gods no masters” = leo
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Y’all know who you are.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.