[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Still cracks me up
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.