Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
drew a comic about my origin story
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.