No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.