Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
me 2 months after i graduated
