These are too funny not to post 😂
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Investing in beetcoin
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Guys, I found it.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there