If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?