*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
lost dog
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
This is my bus stop.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire