me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
This is what makes twitter great
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.