Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.