I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.